Sunday, September 04, 2005

Season previews in 50 words or less

BALTIMORE: Unless the Competition Committee votes to let receivers carry lacrosse sticks, it doesn't matter who Kyle Boller is throwing the ball to.
BUFFALO: Fact: J.P. Losman is the reincarnation of Kenny Dorsey
CINCINNATI: 1-0. 1-1. 2-1. 3-1. Palmer for MVP! 3-2. 3-3. 3-4. 4-4. 4-5. Bye week. 4-6. 4-7. 4-8. Kitna for MVP! 5-8. 6-8. 7-8. 8-8. I'm sorry. The numbers don't lie.
CLEVELAND: If Ohio had a mandatory knee-brace law, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
DENVER: The definition of insanity is putting Ron Dayne in the backfield and expecting different results.
HOUSTON: This is the year the Texans take the next step. I guarantee it. Just you watch. 2005. Next step.
INDIANAPOLIS: People keep talking about Marino's Dolphins, but doesn't that just give short shrift to Fouts' Chargers?
JACKSONVILLE: Late in the season, in the thick of the playoff hunt, playing at home in front of 15,000 empty seats.
KANSAS CITY: The Joe Montana era was all of two years long, yet those are "the good old days" in Kansas City.
MIAMI: Scott Mitchell played well for the Dolphins after Marino went down, then cashed in. Hey, look who's here: A.J. Feeley!
NEW ENGLAND: Last season, Corey Dillon came to Foxboro determined to prove he had been unfairly labeled a malcontent. This season, David Terrell came to Foxboro determined to prove he had been unfairly labeled a malcontent. Corey Dillon should have another great year.
NEW YORK: The Jets are high on this Pennington kid and are looking forward to seeing what he can do.
OAKLAND: Randy Moss, blah blah, LaMont Jordan, blah blah. 7-9.
PITTSBURGH: Here's hoping the name Mark Fidrych doesn't mean anything in Pittsburgh this year.
SAN DIEGO: Say Drew Brees starts really slow, then Philip Rivers comes in and pukes in the punch bowl. There's the Chargers we know and love.
TENNESSEE: All that talk about Travis Henry, and he ends up superfluous again.

ARIZONA: If Kurt Warner doesn't do something stupid and get replaced, Denny Green will do something stupid and replace Kurt Warner.
ATLANTA: Michael Vick is the most exciting player in the NFL and will leave a beautiful corpse.
CAROLINA: Wearing throwback '90s uniforms this year, again.
CHICAGO: Expect Kyle Orton to be starting as soon as the Bears are out of playoff contention. What? Imagine that.
DALLAS: If Freeman McNeil were still playing, it'd be in Dallas.
DETROIT: You can't tell me Joey Harrington wasn't pleased to see Steve Mariucci's new best friend break his leg.
GREEN BAY: Aaron Rodgers will learn from the master how to throw the crazy heave-ho when the line can't stop the rush.
MINNESOTA: When "turning it around" means starting 3-6.
NEW ORLEANS: The Saints won't play any better this year, but life has a way of keeping crummy football in perspective. Much love.
NEW YORK: Ken Brett had a fine career, too.
PHILADELPHIA: Many athletes are willing to take less money if it means a chance at a ring. Just saying.
SAN FRANCISCO: There's nothing wrong with sitting a high draft choice in order to "win now." But why are the 49ers sitting Alex Smith?
ST. LOUIS: Mike Martz goes for two in the third quarter, loses by one. Rinse. Repeat.
SEATTLE: 9-7. 6-10. 9-7. 7-9. 10-6. 9-7. This is the year Seattle finally goes 8-8.
TAMPA BAY: Brian Griese and Chris Simms tire of Coach asking whether Dad has anything left in the tank.
WASHINGTON: There's a nascent QB controversy between Patrick Ramsey and Mark Brunell. I mean, think about that.

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