MMQB: Quel retard!

"MONDAY MORNING QUARTERBACK" FOR MAY 21

EGREGIOUS FLAWS: 5

1. Peter King is often barely coherent in English, so he ought not try to be "funny" in other languages. About Chiefs president Carl Peterson's affection for the NFL's European minor league, King writes, "No other NFL exec is as into NFL Europa (nee World League of American Football, nee NFL Europe, nee NFL Spring League That No One in America Gives Two Hoots About)." What? Née (with the accent) is French for "born," which is why you see it in wedding announcements to denote the bride's maiden name -- the name she was "born" with. Née doesn't mean "formerly." You're only born once, with one name. No matter how many times Brunhilda McGillicuddy gets married, she'll always be just "née McGillicuddy." Asswipe.

2. This week's "Factoid That May Interest Only Me" asserts that it is interesting that Keith Olbermann and Chris Berman happened to do radio play-by-play of the same football game when they were college students 31 years ago. Imagine that. What's even eerier, according to King, is that in 1989, one of the head coaches from that very game, George Siefert, was winning the Super Bowl while Olbermann and Berman both "critiqued him for ESPN." OK, not only is this not "interesting," the second part isn't even true. Olbermann didn't join ESPN until 1992.

3. In the "Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Note of the Week," King writes admiringly about a road rage incident, in which one woman used her minivan to block the path of a car, got out, and began screaming at the other driver. Had the other driver pulled a gun -- this was happening in New Jersey, after all -- and popped the minivan woman, you can bet Schoolmarm Pete would have written about how foolish that chick had been. Remember, this is a guy who every week takes it on himself to police the skim-milk consumption of Starbucks customers even fatter than he is.

4. King prints an e-mail from an NFL Network executive who asserts that the recent NFL-Comcast ruling was bad for consumers. Last week, King said of the decision, "It's hard to argue with a judge's ruling in New York last week that allowed Comcast to put the NFL Network on a pay tier." This week, King says, "I think I still wonder why the New York jurist who sided with Comcast issued a summary judgment in the case." (Emphasis added.) "Still"? Last week he said there was nothing to argue about. Now that his sweetie at NFL Network is pouting, suddenly he has doubts.

5. Also in the NFL-Comcast item, King says that a summary judgment means that the judge "saw zero merit in the NFL's case." Well now. Actually, it means that the judge believed that there were no material facts to be decided at a trial -- in other words, that the facts in the case were not in dispute -- and that, given those facts and the law, it was clear which party would prevail. It's not a judgment on what's right or wrong, or what's fair or unfair. The judge could believe that the league has a reasonable and understandable grievance -- but that it has no chance of prevailing under the law.

OTHER ITEMS

Peter is well-connected: " 'I think we're going to Deutschland,' club president Carl Peterson told me ... "; "Having been around (NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell) for good chunks of time the last two decades, I ... "; " 'He hasn't changed a bit,' (Colts coach Tony) Dungy told me ... "; "Sterling Sharpe deserves a back pat for being a classy TV teammate ... "; "We had some Football Night in America meetings last week in New York, and my guess is that Tiki Barber is ... "

Peter is a drama queen: "Tiger Woods and I have something in common."

Peter does something for us: "Next week, I'll be skipping my first Monday column since last July. Off to Italy for a recharging family trip."

Total number of quotes of the week: 4. Total unrelated to football: 1.
Total number of things King thinks he thinks: 26.

Red Sox fellated: Eric Hinske; the team as a whole. Yankees subject to bitchy comments: George Steinbrenner; Roger Clemens.